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Jun 09, 2020


The sleek train of my emotions pulled almost silently into, what I thought, was the next station along the line of my journey through grief … for just the other day God had whispered… “grief is not a permanent destination, it is a station of life to move through!”
So, on August 1, (the anniversary of the day before Wayne was admitted to the hospital), the tears came in constant waves. Therefore, when August 6 arrived (the day we removed him from the breathing machine), I thought, “I don’t feel teary-looks like this will be easier than I thought!”
Then, just like a train idles, as it waits for the signal to move ahead, the physical symptoms settled in and released…h-s-s-s-s… nausea, light-headiness, dizziness. Not enough to keep me from moving, but enough to s-l-o-w me down and they c-h-u-g-g-e-d forward…without speed… for over a week!
I moved into a paraphrased prayer from Habakkuk 3:17
“ Though the very core of my soul is frail and sickly, and I feel as if I’m about to topple over,

though my stomach is queasy and everything is set in shadows of gray, yet I will rejoice in the Lord. I will be joyful in God my Savior!”

My soul rejoices in My Lord, My Lord God Almighty, Maker of Heaven and earth!!! Sadness can not overtake me; feeling poorly can not knock me down! I AM A CONQUEROR!!!
And with that declaration, I was able to release the sadness of what had passed and embraced the present moment!

Do you remember Jell-O Pudding Cakes? For those of you who never experienced this sinful dessert, let me explain. First, you bake your favorite box cake, (chocolate “WAS” my favorite,) pour the batter into a 9x13 pan, and bake it until it springs back lightly to your touch. Cool for one hour. While the cake continues to cool, use a wooden spoon to poke holes, one inch apart, all over the cake. Finally, pour the
pudding all over the cake and let it sit for at least one hour in the fridge to cool.

Grief can be likened to the holes you punch into the cake before you pour the Jell-O in. A hole in the cake is like a hole in your spirit… dark, deep and cavernous! The Holy Spirit is the Jell-O that fills the hole
to overflow with its goodness and grace! And at that moment … healing occurs. I have found this process to be intricate and ongoing; never quick and easy! Each station I have entered along my journey has allowed me to explore my feelings, examine my pain, and chug on to the next station.

I thought that I was prepared for this first anniversary. I’ve done this before! I know what to expect, no big deal… NOT TRUE! I found I can never get ahead of what God has for me to experience. I cannot by-pass, preconceive, or prepare for the unexpected. I have to step, trust, believe and receive,
that I can do “ALL THINGS through Christ, who strengths me.” (Philippians 4:13)

I traveled to my favorite beach, once again, with my dear friend of 40 plus years, Wende.
I jotted this in my journal.

Lord, you brought me to my favorite beach, where the same wind that pushes the waves to pound the sand- and shapes the shoreline- is the same wind that pushes the storm clouds of grief and pain away and leaves me in peace and pushes me to move on!


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